This story is dedicated to all the single people out there fed up with messy relationships.
I’ve had my doubts about whether it’s too early to write this post, as we’ve officially been together for less than six months and who knows if there’s something lurking around the corner that will make me pack my bits and bobs in our London home and quietly head back to Helsinki already next week. But when every cell in my being knows that nothing has ever felt as right, do “critical” milestones of six months, a year, two years, ten years even matter? They really don’t!
I’ve received loads of messages after telling people about meeting my partner and relationship. It’s so lovely to see how happy people are for another person’s happiness. At the same time, many who are still waiting to find their partner in life have felt reassured that it will happen one day. That’s really what spurred this post, too – I know how many fabulous single women and men are reading this on the other side of the screen, who just don’t seem to come across the one. I’ve lived most of my life alone, so feel I have quite a bit to say on the subject.
All of my relationships so far have been short, lasting for a few months or half a year – or complicated ones without a clear start or end. Ones that can’t really even be called a relationship, as they’ve been marked with uncertainty from the start that has led to the only thing that’s been clear all along: an end. The relationships have followed a certain pattern no matter how much I felt I’d grown spiritually, become aware of my previous behaviour patterns or taken a fresh view on things.
One of my behaviour patterns has been extreme patience. The longer I’ve lived by myself, the happier I’ve also been, as I’ve built the life of my dreams in every possible way. At the same time, I’ve gone through huge life changes that have made me stronger and increased my self-confidence and especially my patience. In my case, that patience has gone to the extreme, though, being more of a case of convincing myself rather than being patient. It’s a case of denying the truth and wanting to believe in something you know and feel is impossible.
In nearly every relationship, I’ve been so good at convincing myself that my intuition is wrong and my desire to believe in the impossible is right that I’ve adapted to the relationship without boundaries or a will of my own. It’s an amusing pattern, as I’ve been extremely happy and fortunate in every other area of my life, where I’ve had my own boundaries and will in place. In areas where they haven’t been in place, I’ve ended up disappointed and rejected time and again. In a way, I’ve decided to be dumped because of my extreme patience. Blah, that patience has actually been nothing but fear. I haven’t had the courage to be honest and open because I’ve avoided the truth I’ve known is right in my heart.
I clearly remember a grey day in the autumn of 2016 when I felt a strong sense of happiness and gratefulness. I’d felt the same way many times before but that day it clearly related to relationships. It’s hard to put the feeling into words, but it could be described as a decision to stop searching for a partner.
After that moment, I met two people who steered me towards an ultimate change – empowerment that meant I set boundaries for myself and acted accordingly. Words aren’t enough to describe the feeling in summer 2017 when I finally opened my eyes, took a grip on myself and walked out of a tangled relationship where once again I found myself repeating the same old pattern in a state of total unhappiness. To be honest, this required some nudging from a friend, a good shake up actually. I will never forget the phone call with my friend Kirsikka that became a turning point – I will be thankful forever!
Analysing, procrastinating and dissatisfaction ended there and then. Although I was by myself again, I’d never felt as whole. It was as if I’d taken a quantum leap through the universe and reached an aha moment that was larger than life – and this was simply due to taking a grip on the situation and my own life by being totally honest to myself and saying no to things I didn’t want to repeat.
If anything I have said resonates in some way with your own relationship patterns, here’s a golden nugget: the moment you find yourself analysing situations, messages or the most incredible explanations to being stood up or not getting a message back, stop immediately! Confront the situation – or even better: walk out! If the person is the right one for you and you are ready to be in the relationship (both are), there’s no need to analyse. You don’t need to call anyone for their advice or views, because it’s all clear.
After summer 2017, I didn’t go one a single date, I wasn’t asked to, and I stopped wanting to go. I didn’t want to spare a thought for men or the search for a partner. I was so thankful to myself for breaking my own behaviour patterns that I became 100% inspired by everything else in my life. I truly was happy by myself with every fibre in my being, and I made myself a promise to rather live alone than in an unhappy or messy relationship that required constant analysing.
And now a word or two about living alone and whether it’s possible to be happy alone. It really is! Wanting and hoping to meet a partner one day doesn’t rule out the possibility of being happy alone. Saying you are happy by yourself doesn’t mean you are declaring your happiness but actually bitter inside for not having met the one, or that you’re convincing yourself to be happy but actually feel extremely lonely. Everyone has the right to choose the situation they live in. Some make a conscious decision to be in a relationship that doesn’t make them happy, yet chooseit above living by themselves. It’s different from someone being in an unhappy relationship but not daring to leave because of fear of living alone. That’s completely human and okay, too, especially if you haven’t experienced what it’s like to be alone.
I’ve dreamt of a life partner for as long as I remember. Some dream of children, I’ve always dreamt of meeting a person I can share my life with and perhaps have kids with one day if it’s meant to be. I’m thankful for living alone for so long, because it’s been necessary for my spiritual growth and personal path in life. I wouldn’t have been ready for a relationship before without these experiences – and probably would have drifted into a relationship for the wrong reasons or with the wrong person (although I have to say I don’t feel my past entanglements have been wrong because each has led me to areas I’ve needed to confront and understand).
After that summer of 2017, I began to heed to a piece of advice I’d been given: simply trust. Those words rang in my ears and resonated in my stomach. I began to trust. I was so fed up with adjusting, analysing and vague relationships that I decided simply to trust the right person was already on his way into my life. I began to concentrate on other things instead, such as my work, hobbies, learning new skills, and so on. I do still remember Kirsi’s words from our annual astrology session from last January after I’d ranted on about not being the least bit interested in a relationship right now, and she said one was clearly on its way. And then there was the time later in the winter when I went to talk about my work projects at Susan Hedman’s channelling. My semi-irritated answer to her question about my love life was that I couldn’t be the least bit interested when she mentioned a relationship was already visible in my energy field. I knew full well how the law of attraction and manifestation work. It’s about setting a clear, pure intention and then trusting. It’s of course also about action, but according to my personal experience, intention and trust are the core of the manual (I should dedicate a separate blogpost to the topic).
Last June I took part in a two-week yoga retreat in Italy. The first person I met there was Richard. We got to know each other quickly and instantly became good friends, as we both loved laying around the pool. Two weeks was enough time to get to know each other quite well. At the time, I couldn’t imagine the guy snoring and sweating by the pool would be my life partner. We became friends, and my main feeling about Richard was that he was a really good person; good-hearted, kind, funny, polite and thought about others. He was a friend. The kind who doesn’t make you feel the least bit self-conscious, as you can be totally yourself and relaxed.
We stayed in touch after the retreat, and pretty soon I had a work trip to London, so we decided to meet up. After our lunch and dinner together, it was like something had hit me on the head. Already after lunch, I had a weird feeling in my tummy that only got stronger at dinner. I was confused because I wasn’t sure if I was imagining things (was I once again slipping towards my former behaviour patterns and trying to convince myself?). After dinner, Richard mentioned he had a spare room I’d be welcome to use if I ever came back to London. A few weeks after the trip, I realized I’d be over for training for two weeks in November.
We wrote to each other for the rest of the summer and autumn. I was increasingly sure something was going on, but couldn’t draw any direct conclusions (especially with my background as an analysing expert), so decided not to even try. But my hopes were up. I promised myself to find out what was going on as soon as I got to London, trusting that whatever was for the higher good would happen. If it turned out a disappointment, I’d be grateful for a good friend and another step towards something I can’t even imagine yet. There was also a possibility that the feeling and wishes were mutual. Instead of spending two weeks analysing and trying to sense things, I vowed to give it about two days unless the situation would resolve by itself.
The story ends with juicy ingredients straight out of a romantic comedy, which I’ll leave my close friends to munch on; as it turned out, the feeling was very much mutual. It also turned out that he had already begun to have those feelings in Italy but didn’t want to be the guy who hits on women at a yoga retreat. As you can imagine, neither did he want to make a move towards a female guest who was staying at his place for a work trip. I had to be the one to take the ultimate step outside my comfort zone and face her fear of rejection – which all those past relationships basically boiled down to.
Photos taken by Richardon our Sunday walk to Richmond Park.
Translated by Rebecca Watson